I wish the ladies knew..

I feel sick when I think of everything that will be left behind as a reminder of how interconnected we once were and everywhere we fit together. I feel sick thinking that Im the only one that will be emotionally raped by it all, and afraid to find out my life means nothing and I never made you feel the way youve made me feel. Dealing with feelings of non existance and rejection, sadness, so many things, really, and Ill be doing it alone, knowing you are distracted somewhere else, and Im never to be mentioned or thought of again. Ouch. Youll see just how high you lifted me, when you watch me fall so far.

Life Restrained

Her luck always tripped her, Death seeking her out on every adventure, every break from caution. Doomed to live a safe life, never truely doing the things she wanted.

One breath was all it took...

My body is exhausted and weary from the constant exertion of living days at a time. My eyes are slightly focused, wide open, even though I am edging on delirium due to sleep deprivation. Lately it seems the world is moving so fast, I don't dare blink or sleep, feared to miss a beat, miss something. Yet, I decide to give in, against my desire to finish things undone, and at least lay down and relax my bones. As I lay on my back, I feel the spaces opening up between my bones, my muscles numb from the permission I granted to stop moving. Almost felt like I wasn't really there, then again, when don't I, in some way? I gathered one last morsel of strength, to turn over, to lay on my stomach, including a big exhale that was wonderful feeling. Oxygen. It's good for you. On my next inhale, I was caught off guard.  I was immediately transported to the same place, different time. There I was, and there you were, next to me, looking in my eyes with the utmost love and adoration. Funny how scents trigger reactions like that. Traces of you are all over my sheets, my pillows, my thoughts, even my bathroom mirrors. You had succeeded in encompassing me. You were all around me, and being surrounded, never felt so good. Swept away in the world of Us, the reality in my mind, albeit still sleep deprived, had suddenly jolted me out of exhaustion, and awakened my senses. I no longer felt I needed to sleep. I did not want to sleep. There, in the theatre of my mind, I wanted to stay, with you. I can sleep when I'm dead, and with only your scent, you brought me to life again, and made me feel more alive than I have since the last time we were in 3D. It's been said that if you clearly state what you want to yourself, and focus all good energies into that thought, you can project that into fruition. Kinda like, if you build it, they will come. It's a lot more difficult to do than most people would think, and everyone slips occasionally, myself included. But as I lay there, lost in you, there was nothing to project, because I had it all. Wouldn't you know, like most everything in life, like my projects that had yet to be completed, this fairytale of a journey I was taking in my minds eye, also was left uncompleted. Everything goes in cycles, and despite my sheer will and determination to stay in that place, with you, my body and mind betrayed me, and succumbed to the rem cycle. Of sleep. I fell asleep in a place I wanted to be, so you could say I fell asleep happy and at peace, taking you with me with every inhale. Sure, I did wake up alone, without you, but any time I want to be with you, I know, for now at least, until we are in 3D again, all I have to do is lay down and close my eyes, because of all the places I've ever been, none compare to the places I go when I close my eyes, and think of you.

What Else Can I Say or Do?

When everything I do and say is for you with no reciprocation, what else can I do?

When that extra mile is reached, the above and beyond, and it's met with a closed door, What am I supposed to do?
When I can't write about my sad or hurt feelings because it makes YOU feel bad, then how am I supposed to express myself or let you know how I feel to take the most efficient route on our path together?
When I tell you how I feel, and what hurts, once, or over & over, and nothing is done, what am I supposed to do?
When I get ignored, and no longer have a voice in our duo, how can I speak any louder or more empactful?
When you say you want nothing more than me, and I come handing you, me, on a silver platter, and you turn away and say no, what else can I do?

When I tell you I love you and I don't feel it back, some time, how am I supposed to know what your love feels like?

The things we do when we think no one cares.
The things we do for no good reason or without explanation.
The things we keep to ourselves without a second thought.
The words we cant say when its needed the most.
The words we do say when we are unaware of our actions.
The love we feel that we cant express.
The non acknowledgement we feel that seeps into the cracks, breeding feelings of insecurity, thwarting what we were confident we once knew.
The best intentions that go unnoticed and unappreciated.
The need to do what you can to help yourself, that works against you.

The unwillingness to understand that drives a wedge in between.
The love you want the most, thats so close, yet so far.
We do not try to hurt, or hurt each other, but we are human, humans fail.
The desire to talk that falls on deaf ears, makes it hard to connect.
The things we say that were hard to get out, that are left unresponded to, makes it more difficult to open up.
The Great Love that occupies us both, still there but needs to be nutured.
The yearning for the best we can have together, is still there but needs to be fed.
Talk to me, and let me feed you, nuture you, and let us continue to grow together.
Anything we can overcome, merely by staying connected and talking about what ails us.

I love and care for you more than any words can say and any thoughts could convey.

MAX

Max,

You were always there when I was sad, offering the cutest actions and a warm soft tummy to lay on.

You love to lick my tears and give me kisses, every time I ask.

You never failed to be so excited every time I came home, whether I was gone for 5 minutes or 5 hours.

You listen more than any dog Ive ever had, or known.

You, like me, are misunderstood, a misfit to the world but just reserve your love and loyalty to those you love most.

Youve always been protective and sometimes your barking was a bit much, but I understand you are letting me know you are watching out.

I miss you and youll always be top dog to me.

Cold

"I trust you with my secrets

though I say I have no dreams

I see the future locked in your eyes

and thing everything is better than it seems

To much to hope for, but everything to need

To tell you of the things i see,

means the world to me."

You used to say, things just like these,

to me, on many sleepless nights

we stood and talked about the stars

and the places they would take us.

Then there was fear

and the secrets and the dreams

which were not to be called dreams

stopped coming,

and held apart with them 

was their constant smile

and their soft kisses against my skin

as I fell asleep.

Replaced by doubts

and accusation

that grew in the dark

and in the light alike

I wondered if i could ever

do right.

And then, this night, 

I awoke to skin, so soft,

brushed against me,

and I smiled,

to see you laying next to me.

your eyes locked on mine

and we talked, for just a minute

and then drifted apart, 

into slumber.

a cocoon of blanket separating our

bodies.

My smile didn't fade, 

but the soft touch certainly did.

I turned towards you,

but you turned away.

I lifted the blanket to reach you,

but you pushed it back.

and left me out in the cold,

My skin craving yours.

The play repeated, like a record,

a bad dream

I reached, and you pulled

and we ended up

so far apart,

Sleeping in the cold,

When all I need is your warmth.

Gone

The comments;
Amazing legs,
Skin,
Hair,
You're proud,
Smile,
Constantly surprise,
I love you,
How I make you smile,
I want to be with you,
I drive you crazy,
I'm your last chance at love & happiness,
Intelligence,
Future plans....
These are things
I don't hear anymore.

Not sure if they're being held
captive in a small box in your mind,
Or perhaps, they are nothing more
than opinions you've left behind.

I am now a part of the background,
unspecial, like MOST everyone else.
I guess shiny things do tarnish.
Treasure turns to trash.

Looking over my bare shoulder
I see you sleep.
You look so pleasant, content, happy.
Even smiling and moaning.
I thought maybe you were waking up
and was happy to see me there,
naked next to you.
Then, realized all too soon,
you were dreaming,
of God knows what or who.
You sure were happy,
whatever was going on.
I remember I used to make you happy,
not so long ago..
Now it seems the dreams
you've shared with me,
have turned into just you,
having a dream.
You awoke for a minute or two
away from your dream,
Captive from the happiness it gave you,
only to find, just me, there.

Once upon a time,
there was a man.
Who couldnt wait until
the next time he could
cuddle or sleep next to the woman he loves.
Here & Now, that man loves me not
.....and only wants to sleep
alone, to dream.

The Autumn of Our Souls

While we were waiting for the Winter, wondering,
Our minds wandered to old cold and bitter things,
Darkened by the unforgotten signs left behind
By long since dethroned kings and queens.

And while we whisper through the wonder of the Fall
Wowed by the fit and fill, strength of kiss and thrill
Seasons past sweep us through the crashing of it all...
The consecrated crowns harshly smashed at will.

The end of Summer brought together a cool breeze
Through sticky weather, we met and were surprised
That such a palace could be as which we surmised
Not forgetting the old brought lies, fear, and disguise

Spring was a sick and spindly thing, remiss of warmth
pushed to a new land, expelled from kingdom old
Not yet met, we reflected near family hearth
gazing at a future we assumed, holds only cold

But once, if only if, we stay and wait for winter.
We will realize scars are harsh, dark and deep.
But we have promises to keep, miles to fulfill
And we will wait for winter's will.

Together still.

One & Only

The girl that wears glasses.
The girl that lightly snorts & giggles.
The girl that is crafty & resourceful.
The girl that can help you with something.
The girl that is humorous, & makes you giggle.
The girl that is confident, yet shy.
The girl that likes to get hands on dirty.
The girl that likes to fix things.
The girl that loves to cook.
The girl that nerds out.
The girl that loves to sing & dance, when No ones looking.
The girl that is slightly ticklish.
The girl thats adorable and accepting.
The girl that has your Heart.
The girl that decides to keep it all inside.

No Air

Tightening.

Gasping.
Suffocation.
Deprivation.
Clenching.

Reaching.

Desperation.
Humiliation.
Isolated.
Cut off.
Marooned.
Can't Breathe.
Can't find Air.
No Relief.
Oxygen.
Gone.
Hope.
Shattered.
Despair.
Imminent.
Danger.
System Failure.
Life Over.
Death Now.

Introspection

Deep in the place where good things reside
lies the darkest, smallest festering wound.
Derived from the best of intentions,
A shit road paved in gold.
Despair and doubt take hold
encompassing the only good left.
Eating it alive,
in return,
making me the living dead.
I was once a shell of my former self,
and slowly as the cycles of the moon change,
I began to find myself again.
Growing, learning, living, loving.
Once love had found me
it seems,
everything bad melted away, into nothing.
So I thought.
The hollowness I once felt,
that I thought was gone, has started to make itself known,
yet again.
Self sabotage and self defeating actions are choosing my paths,
without my permission.
You cannot control what you didnt create,
yet this darkness that manifests within me,
is of my own, a part of me.
I look to love to help relieve the hurt and sadness.
But it just looks right back at me blankly.
Did I not feed it enough, nurture it enough?
Will I always be doomed to fail, even when I have every chance to succeed.

True Words

there is so much movement these days.and we are but fractions of time in other people's lives.
i'd like to get caught up.with all thats getting missed.but everyone else is moving just as fast, if not faster.
the finish line isn't as important anymore, if your missing all the scenery.



M.D.P.G.

TANGLED

Like a moth drawn to light, I am drawn to you.
Trapped in your web, I am caught.
Wrapped up in your finest silk,
An intricately woven trap of pleasures unknown.
Waiting to be eaten up and devoured with the most selfish intentions.

Patterns

Patterns, new & old.
Some patterns were born into you.
Others were created.
Falling into bad patterns weakens us,
While good patterns can better us.

Isnt it a bit cruel & dickish
that things that are bad for Us,
make Us feel the most good..
Only to possibly devour Us later on?


I protest this, right now!
Does it really have to be like that?
Im setting out, making a mission of it.
"Bad" things wont devour Me.
I will get "good" where ever I want.
I will make "bad" things real "good."

PARANOIA

Here it is again, that foreign, yet familiar feeling.
Foreign, as it is not normally a part of being;
Familiar, as it has plagued masses time & again,
Whenever you get too high.

The constant inner struggle to maintain logic & rationality
Makes no difference here-There's no escaping your mind.
The thoughts & feelings of love and happiness wither
Replaced by fear, uncertainty, and ever pressing doubt.

The world is much different place when youre sucked into
This vaccuous black hole, alone with only your reeling mind.
The lines of reality and existance now blurred.
You will succum to being your own worst enemy.

What was once so clear is now nothing but a grey area.
What was tangible becomes something you can never reach.
The person youre interested in, isnt interested anymore-
So it seems. To you.

No logical reason is needed when your mind takes over.
Time goes on ever so slowly,
Taking you with it.
Maybe this toxic unfounded emotional jacuzzi will go away;
Maybe you'll be normal again after you sleep.
Maybe.. you'll wake up to find you have willed this into your reality.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.
A sober better day.

Tortured Soul

A tortured soul walks a beaten path
A path soaked in pain and remorse
A quick look over the shoulder reveals
what was already known
time & time again;
This tortured soul forever walks alone.

The air is so thin
Hard to breathe
even the leaves on the trees
have all suffocated & withered

Surely there must be more
More than just this one tortured soul
On this one beaten path
Misery loves company
So where the hell is everyone

*sigh*

Just accept it, Tortured Soul;
You are bound to walk this path alone.
This path is your Home.

Ghost Dad

memories....
there are good...
there are bad...
and there are these....
ghost memories..
memories from a time so pure and long ago, you dont even know if its real any more..
its quite sad really..
He used to care, but not so much any more i guess..
these are the memories i have of him..
theyre not much, but ill share them with you anyway..
i remember him getting me my 1st bike..
teaching me how to ride it..
i remember the one and only father daughter dance..
teaching me how to slow dance i remember watchin movies and eating popcorn in the den..
teaching me about how sports work...
i remember the fun time at the miniature golf place...
i remember feeling like daddys girl...
i also remember you never called me..
you never wrote to me..
you never said ’i love you’ and meant it on the phone..
you never paid for a plane ticket for me to come see you..
you never paid HALF of a plane ticket so you could see me..
you never stood up up your cunt wife that was verbally abusive to me when i didnt know any better..
You never sent me anything until my mom took you to court and made you pay $18/wk child support, for only 2 1/2 yrs...
i remember time going by....
and by...
i remember you spending holidays and birthdays with HER 2 daughters...
i remember you flying out to see them...
i remember you moving out of state, and having to track you down because you never gave me your number...
..and i remember calling you last year for Christmas, only to hear the laughter of HER and her 2 daughters in your happy, fulfilled life...
i remember in that call, you called me the wrong name...
Did i even know you at all??
Were you even real??
WHO ARE YOU??

Never Again.

The next time that band comes on the radio, im changing the station.
The next time i see that show on tv, im changing the channel.
The next time I drive by that place, im not givin it a second thought.
The next time you try to see me, im looking the other way.
The next time you apologize, im not listening.
The next time i sing a song, it will not be about you.
The next time i hear your voice, i will not know who you are.
The next time you say something mean, i wont be there to hear it.
The next time i come to visit, im not remembering you.

Other peoples Bullshit

Ive come to notice as time has passed that people talk in the tongue of bullshit and claim it as truths. The things that come out of their mouths are merely hostile projections onto you, as how they feel about themselves. The guy that calls you a bitch for not trusting him is the guy thats acting like a bitch himself because hes actually lying to your face and then making you feel like its your issue. When someone says 'theyll deal with it' , that means they plan on doing nothing. The girl that calls you a fish face is really commenting on how unattractive she is/feels. She who feels like they have control, actually has no control over herself. Those that say they stand up for the good of the people and whats right really mean they only bitch when something doesn't go their way. Those that have accused you of living in the past are the ones stuck in the reruns, secretly wishing for the days of yore. Those that say they are happy but hate on everything you do are the ones that can't let go, can't move on, which simply means, they are NOT happy and want a life different than their own. She who says she hates childish drama, is the one that creates to live off of. Those that feel the need to tell everyone and anyone about how great they are/their life is, is hoping if they say it enough, people will believe that bullshit, and maybe they will believe it themselves. Some People lie. Some People lie to each other. Some People lie to themselves. What these type of people say to try to hurt you is only what they really hate about themselves. Dust it off ya shoulda. Life is short. Is the excitement of the drama really worth losing who you are? If you add up all your lies, are you richer? No. Just more deluded than ever.