I wish the ladies knew..

I feel sick when I think of everything that will be left behind as a reminder of how interconnected we once were and everywhere we fit together. I feel sick thinking that Im the only one that will be emotionally raped by it all, and afraid to find out my life means nothing and I never made you feel the way youve made me feel. Dealing with feelings of non existance and rejection, sadness, so many things, really, and Ill be doing it alone, knowing you are distracted somewhere else, and Im never to be mentioned or thought of again. Ouch. Youll see just how high you lifted me, when you watch me fall so far.

Life Restrained

Her luck always tripped her, Death seeking her out on every adventure, every break from caution. Doomed to live a safe life, never truely doing the things she wanted.

One breath was all it took...

My body is exhausted and weary from the constant exertion of living days at a time. My eyes are slightly focused, wide open, even though I am edging on delirium due to sleep deprivation. Lately it seems the world is moving so fast, I don't dare blink or sleep, feared to miss a beat, miss something. Yet, I decide to give in, against my desire to finish things undone, and at least lay down and relax my bones. As I lay on my back, I feel the spaces opening up between my bones, my muscles numb from the permission I granted to stop moving. Almost felt like I wasn't really there, then again, when don't I, in some way? I gathered one last morsel of strength, to turn over, to lay on my stomach, including a big exhale that was wonderful feeling. Oxygen. It's good for you. On my next inhale, I was caught off guard.  I was immediately transported to the same place, different time. There I was, and there you were, next to me, looking in my eyes with the utmost love and adoration. Funny how scents trigger reactions like that. Traces of you are all over my sheets, my pillows, my thoughts, even my bathroom mirrors. You had succeeded in encompassing me. You were all around me, and being surrounded, never felt so good. Swept away in the world of Us, the reality in my mind, albeit still sleep deprived, had suddenly jolted me out of exhaustion, and awakened my senses. I no longer felt I needed to sleep. I did not want to sleep. There, in the theatre of my mind, I wanted to stay, with you. I can sleep when I'm dead, and with only your scent, you brought me to life again, and made me feel more alive than I have since the last time we were in 3D. It's been said that if you clearly state what you want to yourself, and focus all good energies into that thought, you can project that into fruition. Kinda like, if you build it, they will come. It's a lot more difficult to do than most people would think, and everyone slips occasionally, myself included. But as I lay there, lost in you, there was nothing to project, because I had it all. Wouldn't you know, like most everything in life, like my projects that had yet to be completed, this fairytale of a journey I was taking in my minds eye, also was left uncompleted. Everything goes in cycles, and despite my sheer will and determination to stay in that place, with you, my body and mind betrayed me, and succumbed to the rem cycle. Of sleep. I fell asleep in a place I wanted to be, so you could say I fell asleep happy and at peace, taking you with me with every inhale. Sure, I did wake up alone, without you, but any time I want to be with you, I know, for now at least, until we are in 3D again, all I have to do is lay down and close my eyes, because of all the places I've ever been, none compare to the places I go when I close my eyes, and think of you.

What Else Can I Say or Do?

When everything I do and say is for you with no reciprocation, what else can I do?

When that extra mile is reached, the above and beyond, and it's met with a closed door, What am I supposed to do?
When I can't write about my sad or hurt feelings because it makes YOU feel bad, then how am I supposed to express myself or let you know how I feel to take the most efficient route on our path together?
When I tell you how I feel, and what hurts, once, or over & over, and nothing is done, what am I supposed to do?
When I get ignored, and no longer have a voice in our duo, how can I speak any louder or more empactful?
When you say you want nothing more than me, and I come handing you, me, on a silver platter, and you turn away and say no, what else can I do?

When I tell you I love you and I don't feel it back, some time, how am I supposed to know what your love feels like?

The things we do when we think no one cares.
The things we do for no good reason or without explanation.
The things we keep to ourselves without a second thought.
The words we cant say when its needed the most.
The words we do say when we are unaware of our actions.
The love we feel that we cant express.
The non acknowledgement we feel that seeps into the cracks, breeding feelings of insecurity, thwarting what we were confident we once knew.
The best intentions that go unnoticed and unappreciated.
The need to do what you can to help yourself, that works against you.

The unwillingness to understand that drives a wedge in between.
The love you want the most, thats so close, yet so far.
We do not try to hurt, or hurt each other, but we are human, humans fail.
The desire to talk that falls on deaf ears, makes it hard to connect.
The things we say that were hard to get out, that are left unresponded to, makes it more difficult to open up.
The Great Love that occupies us both, still there but needs to be nutured.
The yearning for the best we can have together, is still there but needs to be fed.
Talk to me, and let me feed you, nuture you, and let us continue to grow together.
Anything we can overcome, merely by staying connected and talking about what ails us.

I love and care for you more than any words can say and any thoughts could convey.

MAX

Max,

You were always there when I was sad, offering the cutest actions and a warm soft tummy to lay on.

You love to lick my tears and give me kisses, every time I ask.

You never failed to be so excited every time I came home, whether I was gone for 5 minutes or 5 hours.

You listen more than any dog Ive ever had, or known.

You, like me, are misunderstood, a misfit to the world but just reserve your love and loyalty to those you love most.

Youve always been protective and sometimes your barking was a bit much, but I understand you are letting me know you are watching out.

I miss you and youll always be top dog to me.

Cold

"I trust you with my secrets

though I say I have no dreams

I see the future locked in your eyes

and thing everything is better than it seems

To much to hope for, but everything to need

To tell you of the things i see,

means the world to me."

You used to say, things just like these,

to me, on many sleepless nights

we stood and talked about the stars

and the places they would take us.

Then there was fear

and the secrets and the dreams

which were not to be called dreams

stopped coming,

and held apart with them 

was their constant smile

and their soft kisses against my skin

as I fell asleep.

Replaced by doubts

and accusation

that grew in the dark

and in the light alike

I wondered if i could ever

do right.

And then, this night, 

I awoke to skin, so soft,

brushed against me,

and I smiled,

to see you laying next to me.

your eyes locked on mine

and we talked, for just a minute

and then drifted apart, 

into slumber.

a cocoon of blanket separating our

bodies.

My smile didn't fade, 

but the soft touch certainly did.

I turned towards you,

but you turned away.

I lifted the blanket to reach you,

but you pushed it back.

and left me out in the cold,

My skin craving yours.

The play repeated, like a record,

a bad dream

I reached, and you pulled

and we ended up

so far apart,

Sleeping in the cold,

When all I need is your warmth.